Joke of the week!

Tell me your jokes and I'll put the best one of the week in this section - with your name next to it!

29/04/2024 (Isla Thornton)
"What kind of birds are always sticking to each other?"
"Vel-crows!"

08/04/2024 (Primrose Peers)
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity,
it's impossible to put down!"

04/03/2024 (Sydney Dixon)
"I asked the librarian if she had anything with a cliffhanger ending."
She said, "..."

08/01/2024 (Isla Thornton)
"What did the pirate say when he was 80 years old?"
"Aye matey!"

09/10/2023 (Irtaza Sheikh)
"What's red and smells like blue paint?"
"Red paint!"

19/06/2023 (Isla Thornton)
"I just found out I'm colour blind - the diagnosis came completely out of the purple!"

20/03/2023 (Emma Harris)
XX female
XY male
YYY Delilah

20/02/2023 (Katie Allen)
Apparently five out of four people are bad at fractions!

06/02/2023 (Edie Hodgson)
"I had to stop tap dancing."
"Why?"
"I kept falling in the sink!"

09/01/2023 (Lydia Greenwood)
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am!

07/12/2022 (Molly Allen)
I saw a baguette in a cage at the zoo - I think it was bread in captivity!

28/11/2022 (Stan Harland)
Have you heard about the player in the World Cup who has a rubber toe?
He's called Roberto!

14/11/2022 (Isla Thornton)
I've lost weight by wearing bread on my head,
it's a loaf hat diet!

07/11/2022 (Stan Harland)
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up this morning I couldn't find my pillow!

31/10/2022 (Sam Hickman)
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack!

17/10/2022 (Emma Harris)
Waiter: "How did you find your steak, madam?"
Diner: "Easy, I just moved a chip and there it was!"

10/10/2022 (Oscar Hogarth)
Did you hear about the boy who put on a clean pair of socks every day?
By the end of the week, he couldn't get his shoes on!

03/10/2022 (Isla Thornton)
What was the Scottish cloakroom attendant called?
Angus McCoatup

26/09/2022 (Luke Dowse)
Policeman: "I'd like you to blow into this bag, sir."
Luke: "Why Officer? I haven't beem drinking."
Policeman: "I know, but my chips are hot!"

19/09/2022 (Sam Hickman)
"What do you call a man with a truck on his head?"
"Lawrie!"

11/07/2022 (Dan Thompson)
"How do you turn a cat into a dog?"
"Throw it on a fire and it will go woooof!"

27/06/2022 (Sam Acey)
Doctor, it hurts when I touch myself anywhere on my body!
That's because you've broken your finger!

13/06/2022 (Lydia Greenwood)
Steve: "Do you want to see the world's fastest magic trick?"
Lydia: "Yes please!"
Steve: "Do you want to see it again?"

23/05/2022 (Evie Thompson)
"What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head?"
"Mandy Lifeboats!"

25/04/2022 (Katie Allen)
"What do you call a man with a plank on his head?"
"Edward!"

13/12/2021 (James Acey)
"Doctor, doctor I keep stealing things."
"Take these tablets. If they don't work, get me a 70 inch 4K TV."

18/10/2021 (Katie Allen)

Katie "Do you sell unbreakable rulers?"
Shopkeeper "Yer, do you wanna steel one?"
Katie "Oh no, I'll pay for it!"

12/07/2021 (Katie Allen)

"I just called the National Hug Line and they put me on hold!"

21/06/2021 (Molly Allen)

"I was wondering why the tennis ball kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me!"

24/05/2021 (Lydia Greenwood)

"Is Google male or female?"
"Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggetion!"

15/03/2021 (Amy Barratt)

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him!

02/11/2020 (Summer Hairsine)

I asked the butcher if he had a sheep's head. He said no, I always part my hair this way!

20/10/2020 (Harriet Hodgson)

"What do you call a dog that can do magic?"
"A Labracadabrador!"

29/11/2019 (Tom Adcock)

I went into town to buy a camouflage jacket but I couldn't see one anywhere!

05/02/2018 (Jack Lyne)

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Yoda lady"

"Yoda lady who?"

"Good yodelling!!!"

03/07/2017 (Teapot Thurston)

My mum said "What rhymes with orange?"

I replied "No it doesn't!"

08/05/2017 (Lydia Thurston)

My dad went on the new machine at the gym but had to stop because it was making him sick. Mind you, it did sell Mars bars, Kit-Kats, crisps and things!

10/04/2017 (Noah Mullins)

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None. It should already be opened when she brings it!

10/10/2016 (Toby Frary)

The future, past and present walked into a bar.

It was a tense moment!

09/02/2015 (James Acey)

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff!

02/02/2015 (George Norman)

We welcomed a new teacher today; no arms, no legs, no body - I think we'll call him 'The Head'.

08/10/2014 (Hannah Greenwood)

It's very important to treat a woman with the respect it deserves.

05/10/2014 (Ruth Dobson)

Why is Iron Man a super hero when Iron Woman is just a command?

02/12/2013 ( Zara Sparrow)

Why are wedding dresses white?

To match the other kitchen appliances!

04/11/2013 (Olivia Foley)

Russian dolls are so full of themselves!

23/01/2012 (Emily Cole)

Why don't women wear watches?

Because there's a clock on the oven.

05/12/2011 (Alex Harrison)

"My mate asked me what's E.T. short for?" I said " He's only got tiny legs."

28/11/2011(Naomi Dobson)

I'm an idiot. I just bought one of those 'bags for life'. Wasn't until got home that I remembered I don't have a life!

21/11/2011 (Stella Nelson)

If you watch Cinderella backwards it's about a woman who finds her rightful place in the world.

07/11/2011 (Callum Rush)

Turn your dishwasher into a snow plough this Christmas. Give her a shovel.

24/10/2011 (Olivia Foley)

"Waiter, there's a hearing aid in my soup!"

"WHAT!!!"